


once upon a time in the west

by harinezumi_kun



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Action, Alternate Universe-Cowboys, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-28
Updated: 2012-03-28
Packaged: 2017-11-08 05:42:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harinezumi_kun/pseuds/harinezumi_kun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a variation on <a href="http://whtlfrs.tumblr.com/post/19627168049/cowboys-au-has-to-happen-and-by-that-i-mean">this</a> picture and the text that goes with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	once upon a time in the west

**Author's Note:**

> for darkdropout, because it was her idea :D this is basically ridiculous crack. with cowboys. i also apologize if there is any ooc-ness in the other johnny's group that makes a cameo, because i know close to nothing about them :D;; and the movie the title is stolen from has nothing to do with this story except that they both have cowboys. woo!

Nearly high noon, and the cabaret is only doing a middling business. There are a few men at the bar, a few more in shadowy tables in the corner, and a handful of girls in gaudy, low-cut dresses wandering around and trying to entice them upstairs. But it’s hot and dusty and it’s obvious that no one feels much like moving. Off to the side of the empty stage, the player piano tinkles out a half-hearted tune. 

Jun is at one of the tables in the corner, with his hat pulled low and his booted feet thrown up on the table. Anyone who looked might think he was asleep, but he’s got his eyes trained on the door, just like they have been for the past three hours. Aiba is seated next to him, bouncing nickels into his empty glass and sighing again, just in case Jun hasn’t figured out that he’s bored, hot, tired, thirsty. Jun rolls his eyes and ignores him.

Their lead had said that Ohno and Ninomiya would be coming to this cabaret, today. Jun had paid good money for that tip, too, and he’s going to be more than a little upset if it turns out it wasn’t true. But the bounty for these two particular bandits is high enough that Jun is willing to wait.

“Hey, Matsujun,” Aiba says after a time. “Why d’you reckon they’re called the ‘Kissing Bandits’, anyway?”

Jun shrugs, shifts a little in his seat. “How should I know? All that matters to me is the $10,000 on their wanted poster.”

“You’re no fun,” Aiba pouts, and bounces another nickel off the table. In lands in his glass with a sharp _ting_.

Jun just _harrumphs_ and keeps his eyes on the door. What’s no fun is spending all his time tired and dirty and chasing bounties. But if they bring in Ohno and Ninomiya, the reward money would leave them set for life. They could buy some cattle, get a little ranch started, settle down…Jun realizes he hasn’t asked, yet, if that’s what Aiba wants to do, but he hasn’t quite been able to work up the nerve. Sure, they’ve been partners for almost five years—and those long, lonely nights in the desert, they teach you things about each other, bring you closer in ways you weren’t expecting—but maybe Aiba has other plans, maybe he wants to start a proper family, or—

Jun is pulled away from his meandering thoughts when the doors swing open. It’s them.

Ohno and Ninomiya are much smaller and less ferocious looking than their wanted poster had let on, and dressed almost identically. They’ve both got on dusty shirts under soft hide vests, pants in worn denim, cracked leather boots, and they each have a bandanna around their neck, a pale blue so worn it looks almost white. 

Ohno has a round, sleepy face, and he blinks hard, like it’s an effort, as he looks around the bar. Ninomiya, on the other hand, has sharp eyes, the beginnings of a wicked smile playing at the corner of his mouth. They take off their hats as they wander towards the counter, and that’s when Jun notices they’re holding hands—and he gets an inkling of why they might be called the Kissing Bandits.

Aiba doesn’t say anything, but the sound of nickels hitting glass stops, and Jun glances over at him. They exchange a little nod. They’ll do this like they planned, nice and easy—the pair at the bar don’t look like they suspect a thing, so it shouldn’t be any problem at all to come up behind them real slow and give them a quick knock to the back of the head. No shooting, this time, since they’re wanted alive.

Jun puts his feet down on the floor, gets ready to stand, when he sees movement out of the corner of his eye. There’s a new cabaret girl coming down the stairs in the back of the room, swaying with almost exaggerated sensuousness and heading straight for Ohno and Ninomiya. Jun curses under his breath, but the girl is already there, leaning against the bar and saying something soft and flirtatious while batting her eyelashes. Jun glares at her, trying to figure out what to do from here. The longer he looks at her, though, the more he realizes there’s something a little…off about her, something—

“Wait a second,” Aiba murmurs. “Isn’t that…?”

Jun looks closer. Without the tower of curls and the thick make-up—and the lacy red dress—it could almost be…

“I am going to kill him,” Jun growls. “Stay here and keep an eye on them,” he says to Aiba, then rises and stalks across the room.

He comes right up behind the “girl” and grabs her around the waist, affecting a playful grin.

“Hey now, sugar,” he drawls, “what’re you flirting with these fellas for when you’ve got a date with me?” 

“Oh,” the girl stammers, her voice oddly pitched. “I—I don’t believe I know what you’re talking about, sir. Unhand me this minute, you—”

“Such a tease,” Jun says, and starts dragging the girl away—which is actually quite hard to do, with the vise-grip she has on the counter. “C’mon now.”

Ninomiya and Ohno look back and forth between them, Ninomiya amused and Ohno concerned, but they don’t stop Jun from pulling the girl away and through a door by the stage.

“What is wrong with you?” the girl says once they’re through the door, her voice suddenly dropping an octave as she pushes her way out of Jun’s grasp.

“Me? What is wrong with _you_?” Jun shoots back. “You’re the one all done up like a show-girl, _Sheriff_ Sakurai!”

“I am in disguise!” Sakurai hisses, adjusting his wig. “And I almost had them!” 

“And then what were you gonna do with them? Seduce them into a jail cell?”

“For your information, I have a room full of men upstairs ready to take them into custody!” 

“Well, that’s too damn bad,” Jun says, laying a hand on the butt of his gun carefully. “I reckon me and Aiba were here first, and we’re taking them for the bounty.”

Sakurai glares daggers at Jun, the hikes up his skirt to reveal the pistol he has holstered to his thigh. “As an officer of the law, I order you to stand down.”

Jun raises an appreciative eyebrow, and smirks. “Since when do bounty hunters take orders from officers of the law? Wait, now, listen—” he says, when Sakurai’s nostrils flare and he goes for his gun. “—we’ve got to bring them to you to collect the money anyway, can you just—”

_BANG!_

They both duck instinctively at the sound of a gun shot, and then they are jostling madly for a position at the keyhole and a view back into the bar. Jun gains the upper hand for a moment and gets a glimpse of the group of men who just sauntered through the doorway—seven of them, dressed in bright ponchos, and one with a gun pointed at the ceiling.

“Goddammit,” Jun hisses, pushing Sakurai away from the door. “It’s the Uppers Gang—and they’re gonna steal my bounty _and_ your arrest in a minute. Is there another way upstairs?”

Sakurai’s face goes grim, but he nods. “There’s another staircase back behind the stage.” 

Through the door, they can both hear Yokoyama announcing grandly that Ohno and Ninomiya have nowhere left to run, and they roll their eyes simultaneously.

“Go on, then, and get your men down here,” Jun says, but Sakurai grabs his arm.

“You help me catch them and I’ll get you your bounty,” Sakurai says. “Deal?”

“Deal,” Jun agrees, giving Sakurai’s hand a firm shake. Then the sheriff makes for the back of the stage in a rustle of skirts.

Jun crouches down and, taking another look through the peephole—“Why don’t y’all settle down,” Ninomiya is saying coolly, “have some drinks on us?”—opens the door slowly and slides out. Luckily he’s mostly hidden by the bar and the staircase, and he scuttles over to where he can peer through the banister unseen.

“Oh, we’ll be havin’ plenty of drinks on you,” Yokoyama replies. “Once we turn you in for that bounty. Kid,” he says to one of his gang, “clear the rest of this rabble out.”

The littlest one with the most colorful poncho grins broadly and fires another shot into the air. “You heard the man—clear out!”

There is a scrape of chairs and the rumble of many booted feet in a hurry, and the bar is empty in a matter of moments, except for Ohno and Ninomiya and the Uppers. The bartender ran out with the rest, and all the cabaret girls ran up the stairs or out the back. Jun glances to the table he and Aiba had been sitting at, hoping Aiba did the smart thing and went to get reinforcements—but no, there he is, crouched down under the table. Their eyes meet across the room, and for a moment Jun feels that pang of fear—that moment of wondering if they will make it out of this one alive—then shoves it down, and does something stupid before Aiba can.

“Howdy,” he says, standing up from behind the banister with his gun pointed at the Uppers. “Now I know you fellas aren’t trying to steal my bounty, seeing as I was here first and all.”

Yokoyama looks startled for a minute, but then he laughs because now there are seven guns pointed at Jun. “Funny, we didn’t see you when we walked in. Been awhile, Matsujun.”

“Yoko,” Jun nods. His eyes flick to Ohno and Ninomiya as he begins to edge around the room, to get to Aiba, but they’re just sitting and sipping their drinks while Ninomiya whispers something to Ohno with a smile. Jun decides to ignore them for the moment.

“Y’oughta put that gun down, Matsujun,” Yokoyama says. “Seven to one ain’t good odds.”

“Seven to two is a little better,” Aiba says, suddenly at Jun’s side and with his pistol out. And as much as he wishes Aiba were out of the line of fire, Jun feels a little better when they’re facing the fight shoulder to shoulder.

“Aiba-chan!” Yokoyama says jovially. “Aw, c’mon now, put those guns down, I don’t wanna have to shoot you, too!”

“How about _you_ put your guns down and let us have our bounty?” Aiba returns with a grin. 

“How about we even the odds!” comes a booming voice from above, and Jun doesn’t have to turn around to see that Sakurai and all his men are lined up along the upstairs railing—he can see it in Yokoyama’s face, and then someone in the gang points and shouts “Deputies!” 

There is only a split second before the first shot goes off, and Jun has already grabbed Aiba and is running for the bar as bullets begin to fly. They dive over it to the shelter of the other side and land right next to Ohno and Ninomiya who must have had the same idea.

In a flash, Jun and Aiba and Ninomiya all have their guns leveled—Ohno’s hands are still full of his mug of beer, which he’s gulping determinedly. After a tense moment, Ninomiya puts his hands up with a chagrined smile.

“Thanks for getting the sheriff off our backs, before,” he says, letting his gun hang loose in his left hand. 

“You knew that was the sheriff?” Aiba asks.

“Oh, sure,” Ninomiya shrugs. “Sho-chan’s been after us for years.”

“That dress looked nice on him, though,” Ohno says, the first words he’s uttered since he entered the bar.

“Anyway,” Ninomiya continues. “We’d surely appreciate it if you’d help us get out of here, too.”

Glass shatters above them, but Jun keeps his hand steady. “Sorry. You’re worth an awful lot of money.”

“Ah,” Ohno says softly. “You’re bounty hunters, too?”

“Sorry,” Aiba echoes Jun, sounding a little more honestly apologetic. “Will you come quietly? Otherwise we’ll have to knock you out.”

A bullet ricochets off of something very nearby, and they all duck. Telling Aiba to keep an eye on the bounty, Jun steals a glance over the top of the counter—the Uppers are barricaded behind a couple tables by the door, while Sakurai and his deputies slowly make their way down the stairs.

“I think our first problem is getting out of the line of fire,” Ninomiya comments wryly.

“If we can just lay low here until the sheriff—” Jun begins, but then someone comes vaulting over the bar, shouting and waving a gun. Jun has just enough time to recognize Maruyama before Ohno breaks his beer mug over the bounty hunter’s head. Maruyama slumps to the floor, and Ohno looks vaguely surprised. 

“Maybe we should relocate,” Jun mutters.

“You could come with us,” Ohno says suddenly. “If you need money, I mean—we have money.”

“You’re outlaws!” Jun protests, at the same time as Ninomiya hisses, “Oh-chan!”

“We’re really more like Robin Hood types,” Ninomiya interjects, still giving Ohno a dirty look. “You know: rob from the rich and give to the poor, that kind of thing.”

“Oh yeah? What ‘poor’ have you been giving your money to?”

Ninomiya shrugs eloquently. “Poor bounty hunters in need of some monetary encouragement?”

“Matsujun, I kinda like these guys,” Aiba says, and it’s all Jun can do not to smack a hand to his forehead. At any rate, they need to get out of here.

“There’s a door in the back,” Jun says, and then finds himself doing something stupid again. He looks at Ninomiya. “We’ll cover you.”

Ninomiya and Ohno both grin wide.

“See you out there,” Ninomiya says.

*

Later, they’re up at the crest of a hill to the west of town, with their horses by the reins. Jun’s not even exactly sure how he got talked into this, and he knows if and when he sees Sakurai again, the sheriff is not going to be happy. Although it looks like he’s not the only one who’s got a problem.

“What’re you thinking telling them they could come with us?” Ninomiya is complaining in a carrying whisper. “How do you even know we can trust them?”

“They just seemed nice,” Ohno says. “And, you know, jobs’ll be a lot easier with four people instead of two.”

“Nice? They seemed _nice?_ They were pointing guns at our heads, you—”

“Matsujun,” Aiba says, pulling Jun’s attention away from the hushed conversation. “You okay?”

Jun purses his lips for a moment. “We could just turn them in,” he mutters.

“Well…yeah,” Aiba says, but he sounds disappointed. “But,” he says when Jun meets his eyes, “Nino promised he’d match the bounty for our trouble, so you’ll still be able to start your ranch without turning them in, right?”

Jun is thinking _“Nino”?_ , but what he says is: “You—you knew about that?”

“Sure,” Aiba says, with something like a shy smile. “Matsujun’s always wanted to settle down, yeah?”

“Well, yes, I mean—I do, but I wanted—I was hoping that you—”

He shuts up when Aiba takes his hand. “Yeah,” Aiba says. “Together.”

“Oh,” is all he can manage to say, and that’s when he realizes Ninomiya has suddenly fallen silent. 

Jun and Aiba look over to their companions, and then away again very quickly.

“Well,” Aiba says with a giggle, “I guess that’s why they’re called the Kissing Bandits.”


End file.
